To Love Like God Loves Us

Today on the way to church I heard a testimony on the radio from one of the singers of the group Mercy Me. I usually listen to things like that and ponder them momentarily and then get back to thinking about my day. But his trial was more personal to me. His 2 year old son had been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. He was talking about how God comforted him with John 14:27 "My peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do you not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Almost instantly the tears flowed. I didn't think I was emotionally "fragile" right then. I was just heading to church having a fairly normal day. But occasionally these things seem to trigger my grief over Kaiah's new reality.

These triggers seem to happen frequently these days. For example, in Winco at the bulk foods section, I just get overwhelmed. Many times I just stand and stare at all the choices, trying to figure out what the best snacks will be for her, how many carbs each thing has in it, how much of a serving, and wishing I didn't have to look at every single little tag to figure it out. I usually end up just choosing one or two things and write down the information while fighting back the tears so I don't cause a scene.

Another trigger has been when she sees her neighbor friends just run in their houses and grab juices, fruit snacks, granola bars and other snacks that all have carbohydrates for a picnic. Or when we are with a group of people and other kids are just grabbing what looks good at a potluck and have already started eating while we are still trying to measure and calculate everything. Or when she says, "I wish I didn't have diabetes, so I could have a picnic like my friends." or, "I wish I didn't have diabetes so I could just eat what I want." it breaks my heart.

The insulin shots have been becoming more traumatic for her. She wavers with wanting to give herself the shots or letting us do them because they hurt. If she does them, it takes a good 2-3 minutes to psych herself up to poke it in her tummy. If she lets us do it, it takes us several times of telling her to relax her arm before we can inject it. About half of the time she cries afterwards and buries her head in our chest because of the pain and frustration. This is fairly new. I think we are all just becoming weary of it and I just want to cry right along with her.

We have had a lot of activities lately that have caused us to stray from her normal eating schedule. In the last 2 weeks we have had a rehearsal dinner and wedding, birthday parties, potluck Fridays, and Valentines day parties to name a few. These are challenging because they involve many meals or food items that we haven't prepared or measured. We try to do the best we can but sometimes, when the information is not available we have to guess.

At the wedding I totally guessed on the amount of carbs in the cake at the rehearsal dinner and got it wrong. That whole night, while we were staying with some friends, I was getting up every two hours to either check on Kaiah's sugar or give her insulin. That was frustrating and discouraging. So the next day I resolved to give bring our own cake from a bakery that I could measure so there would be better results for the actual wedding. Though I had gotten a delicious and fancy looking cake, there ended up being much more that just cake, so I had to estimate again. And I guessed wrong... again... She had a blood sugar in the upper 300's most of the night. Sometimes it's just tempting to say no to everything. But the endocrinologists (and we) want her to have as normal of a life as possible. So we just do the best we can with our estimations and deal with the consequences of incorrect calculations.

Other trials come from very well-meaning people who just have no idea what Type 1 Diabetes is or any knowledge of what a carbohydrate is. We have had comments like, "Oh, I'm so sorry! Well, God can do miracles...." or, "At least there are things you can do to reverse it." or, "I don't know how many carbohydrates there are, but I can give you the calories!"

Another tricky aspect is making sure Mason is getting enough food while making it fair for both kids. Occasionally he asks, "How many carbs are you giving me?" Most of the time I give him the same food. But he seems to be hungrier than anyone else and asks for food so much that I often have to just give him something and tell Kaiah she can't have some too if her carb allowance for that snack or meal is reached. Most of the time she does fine and doesn't protest, but Kaiah has never been a real complainer so I have to watch her for subtle clues of disappointment and anger. She holds it in sometimes.

This post has taken me several days to write and I don't feel as discouraged as when I first started it, but I had intended on emphasizing that though there are times that are frustrating and don't feel "fair." I/we know that we will not question God and ask him "Why us?" because he is a sovereign God and he does what He needs to do to accomplish his purpose in our lives. Worrying about a situation is like saying that God didn't have a good idea and that He doesn't know what He's doing or is in control. He knows what is best for us and He loves Kaiah so much more than we do.

I really do try to keep things in perspective when I get low. I look around and see families (and know a few personally) who have lost a child. I see people who are daily fighting childhood cancer, not even able to touch their daughter's skin because it's so toxic from the chemo. And I see, for example Haiti, where the norm is that someone in each home has lost a family member in an instant and don't know where their next meal will come from.

How dare I complain.

God has spared her life, at least for now, and I will be thankful for the numerous blessings. Though from what I understand (and I believe I understand very little) those who have endured horrific tragedy have grown closer to the Lord and have experienced an intimacy I have yet to understand. So in the words of the song Bring the Rain written by that singer from Mercy Me whose child was also diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, "And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus Bring the Rain."

The message at church last Sunday was about love. I have heard countless sermons about it. I have memorized many verses about it. I know what the different kinds of love are named and what they mean in Greek, and we have studied the passage in our home Bible study for the past few months. But of course, God taught me something new :)

2 Peter 1: 5-8 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith, goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness, love. The love described here is the kind of ongoing, selfless attitude that leads one to sacrifice for the good of others. It is seeing a need and acting to meet a need at great personal cost.

I see this kind of love in the countless scores of volunteers who have gone to help the earthquake victims. I see it in a woman at our church who has for years sacrificed so much to have her husband home while he endures the debilitating symptoms of MS. I see it in the mom of the girl with a brain tumor, fighting to keep her alive. I see it in my Savior who left everything wonderful to come rescue us in a world that hated Him.

Jesus saw our need and He came to meet that need and even more, He sent the Holy Spirit to help us with the trials that will continue to plague us until the day He brings us home. I long for that day, but until then, I pray that I will daily choose to fix my eyes on Jesus and remember His sacrifice for me and love Kaiah and serve her the best that I can. Certainly anything I go through in this life pales in comparison to what He did for me on the cross.