The first 4 months or so I would have said, "Yes, it's going great." But looking back I didn't really feel that way. Those 4 months were really hard. I was dealing with conflicted feelings. We had prayed for this baby and his birth mom for years! It had always been a part of our family's plan to adopt. So when I had feelings other than extreme joy and excitement, I felt confused (and guilty). Why wasn't I connecting with this little one? I would spend hours (really) every day just talking to him and making little noises, rubbing his tummy and arms and legs, cuddling him and stroking his head. He just didn't respond! He started to smile around 6 weeks but (for the next several months) it was only a very sparing, passing glance of a smile until he would find something more interesting to look at just beyond me. At church I would pick him up from the nursery and he would just act as if I were another nursery worker. To make matters worse, he was a huge spitter. He just would spit up any time of the day for no reason. After eating or right before, it didn't matter! He just unloaded and got everything near him covered.
I just felt pretty discouraged.
I loved him and took care of him the best that I knew how to. I just felt like we weren't really bonding as I had hoped.
When Locke was about 4 months old, something changed. He just seemed like he would smile a little bit longer at me. He still was a very busy, easily distracted kid, but I felt like things were turning around and I could actually enjoy him more. I started to realize that I hadn't been entirely truthful about those earlier months when people asked. So since then, I have been more honest about the struggles we had and how it has been very difficult at times.
Personally, I like knowing how to be praying for someone. Certain people have told me the same. I wish now that I had swallowed my pride and asked for some more prayer. I also would have liked to have had encouragement from other people who had gone through similar feelings with an adoption. I truly believe trials happen for a reason. They grow us closer to God and they can one day help us to be an encouragement to someone else who may be going through the same thing.
Lochlan is 9 months old now. He is a very sweet baby and more and more fun every day. Now, he is really smiley, but also quite intense. He has a big temper for such a little tike and frequently looks at me squealing as loud as he can with his huge brown eyes and mouth open so I can see his 2 bottom teeth with the unmistakable expression that means, "Why is it taking you so long to get my bottle!" or "I wanted to be picked up like 5 minutes ago!" But then he does something cute like clap and giggle when I tickle his neck or play with my hair or necklace when I'm feeding him a bottle. It's so sweet. And he loves to cuddle while he watches all the action around him.
Slowly, we have been bonding.
I look forward to getting him up from his crib in the morning and naps each day. I love to squeeze his cute little thighs and feel the tiny little brown curls that have begun to appear on the top of his head. I love the way he grins when we play pat-a-cake and giggles when I tickle him. He's really an adorable baby and always has been. I just am able to finally enjoy him a lot more.
But the best thing happened today at church.....
I went to pick him up from the nursery, and when the woman who was holding Lochlan turned around, he saw me and.... he smiled!
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