When we went through the training and education our adoption agency deemed necessary for trans-racial adoption, we learned quite a bit. They showed us videos of black kids who had been adopted into white families and what their experiences had been. Some of it surprised me. A few of the kids had good experiences, a few were very angry and questioned their adoptive parent's motives, and a few were just really confused. They felt like they didn't fit in any category fully and appeared to be really grieving that loss. I was moved to tears by their stories and resolved to listen to my child's troubles and not shove their concerns to the side or to make it less of a deal than they thought they were.
This idea was reinforced when we had some good friends over last year. One of them is biracial, like Lochlan, with a black dad and a white mom. When I was talking about that video with them, our friend told us how he had felt that same exact way. He was raised from junior high on in a predominantly white community, and while he didn't have very dark skin, he admitted he had a pretty hard time figuring out how to fit in. To us it didn't make a difference at all and I was surprised to hear about it after all that time. So, I want to have open dialogue with our children (if we adopt more) about how they are feeling with identity issues and make sure they know they can talk to us without us feeling betrayed or disappointed.
In the classes and training, they encouraged us to find a "cultural coach" who could help us with African American issues like hair, skin, and cultural differences. I have a few African American friends, but I feel like the vast majority of our life is lived near white people. A few of the potential adoptive parents in the discussion groups at the agency said, "I just don't live in an area with very many African Americans. I don't know where to find them. Where can I find a good hair dresser?" The lady doing the talk said with a smile, "Oh we're there! You just have to look around! You won't have a problem. If you make an effort to make some black friends, you'll find it's pretty easy."
So when I was invited by my friend Kara to go to a poetry and book reading by an African American author named Renee' who is the sister of a new friend from church in North Portland, I was intrigued. It was described to us as being held in a black book/coffee shop. What does that mean? Will they all stare at us? Are white people allowed to go? We must be OK to go because we were invited by our African American friend Dyan.
When we finally decided to try and go, we got kind of weird and as Kara would say "tweaky." Would it be odd for two white gals to show up for a reading in a black part of town? Would it be better for us to bring our black babies (to prove we had a right to come :) ? Would we be able to resist the temptation to tell everyone, "We have African American babies too!" ? We laughed just thinking about how dumb we are and just went.
We left the kids at home and drove on down there. It was great! Everyone was so nice and inviting, the place was decorated with really bright colors with African American art on the walls and a bookstore full of books related to Black history, culture and traditions. There were between 20 and 30 people listening to the readings (including 3 other white people) and it wasn't awkward at all. I really enjoyed the poems and the way she read them. She was very animated and was able to convey sadness and loss, excitement and hope so clearly I felt like I was there... I have to admit. I don't think I've ever been to a live reading from an author before. Hmm. I'll have to do that more often. After the readings I bought a book and had it signed by Renee'. Then Dyan took us to "THE place to go for hair care products and service." It was closed, but now we know!
It's fun to be invited to something like that. I want to encourage more of that in our lives, so Lochlan and any other babies we might adopt can experience their heritage and our other kids can learn to look beyond their own culture as well.
I know we have a lot to learn about African American culture. And I know I've already made several mistakes... like when I bought Lochlan a onesie with an ape on it, or called Dyan's adorable little (fat) baby a chunky monkey, or when I fumble over when to call someone "Black" or "African American" and accidentally say "Native American", or every time a member of our family calls Lochlan "Little Bro!", or when I don't take the time to comb his messy hair in the back, or I'm sure things I don't even know I've done yet... But I am really thankful for honest friends and cultural coaches like Dyan and my friend Assata, to be honest with us and tell us how to do it better.
The truth is, now we are a interracial family and we need to not just pretend we aren't. From what I understand this will be very important to the kids in the future. It has been fun to learn and experience this new aspect of our lives :)
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