Recently I have been feeling like the the stirring has become faster, more violent. The ideas won't leave, I continually dwell on them, I almost feel like I'm disobeying God with my inaction. Sometimes it's easier to say no. I don't have to worry about change. I can stay comfortable, happy. I make excuses like:
No one else is doing it.
I'll do it someday.
It's too messy.
I just don't want to.
It's too dangerous.
I deserve a break.
Someone else will do it.
It doesn't really matter anyway... right?
I've got 4 kids... I'm busy.
I just don't want to think about one more thing.
I'm tired.
Occasionally I'm slapped in the face with my own selfishness. One such time was when I heard a talk given by a woman my age who had end-stage (everything) cancer. It had spread around her body so much that she could barely walk. Yet, she stood for an hour and gave an amazing talk that encouraged people around the world. She talked about her relationship with the Lord, how she had managed and was managing her illness, her hope in trials, how her perspectives had changed, and more. I actually bring many things to mind from her talk throughout my days. One of them is the fact that once she realized she was dying she started to say yes more. Her kids wanted to paint, jump on the bed, do a craft... all messy things that would need tidying up after.
I can empathize with her. It is messy. It takes planning and cleanup. But because of Rachel Barkey I started to say yes more to my kids... while I have them and they have me.
Another time I felt it was when Steven Curtis Chapman wrote the song Cinderella. It really convicted me. I was so busy with stupid stuff that I kept saying "later." Then a short time after he wrote that song his little daughter died unexpectedly. He realized what he had in his arms before she was gone. I have so much in mine and there is no guarantee that they will be here beyond this moment either.
Cliff has always been better at this than me, letting the dishes pile up in the sink and letting the house remain messy for a time.
I struggle a little more. But after this song I snuggled more with my kids... took more time to linger in the silence before the busyness of the day.
Even Mason (awkward bony prominences and all) still climbs in my lap in the morning from time to time and I cherish it.
When a friend from my childhood died and I went to her funeral 3 years ago, I was challenged to cherish my family. She had cherished hers... even telling her friends who called that her kids were awake and she would call them back after naps so all of her could be available for her precious little ones. She was so young!
There are just no guarantees. I don't want to regret my life... wasting it on things that don't matter. I do want to say yes to things that do.
A few months ago I went to a friend's church. They had a guest speaker and I found him fascinating. He was a Christian man involved in many levels of law enforcement throughout his career. He told several stories of how he stood up for his faith and for the people he was serving (and arresting) and he shared his faith liberally. Because God told him to. He obeyed. He prayed. And he was rewarded in some powerful ways. His message was to say yes to God and to not only let God in the boat, but to do what he's telling us to do and to follow him wholeheartedly. Then, when and if we do that we will see amazing things.
In the past few months, I have been trying to listen more to my kids, reach out to those outside of my comfort zone, let the kids do more messy crafts, consider things that are scary, or are inconvenient or that I wouldn't normally do (like skydiving, getting an exchange student, and seriously considering a move to another state).
It's still easier to do nothing and say no, but when I feel that "catch in the spirit", I don't want to just automatically say no. I have been trying to pause and think about motivations for my answers. Some things are beneficial and even good to do to reach out, give, look for possibilities, and really live life!
I know that I won't be able to do everything here (on the earth) that I want to do, and I will have all of eternity finding out about God's creation and living the ultimate life with my new perfect body, but for now I do believe God is pleased when we enjoy the things, people and circumstances He places us in and with here and now.
I truly want to examine my motivations and actions and though I still fight selfishness and laziness often, my heart's true desire is to do everything for God's glory. I'm still in the process of figuring out how best to do that...
Update (June 18, 2014): I am just getting around to posting this. I wrote it 3 years ago!) But I still think about these things often. I did go skydiving, I try to spend more time saying yes to the kids, and we moved to Hawaii... so that's something! I still want to be open to God's leading and Cliff's suggestions, and the kid's explorations. It still is a struggle, but I have gotten better at organizing the day to day running of the home and delegation, so there is more time for playing and reaching out and "interruptions." With God's grace, I will hopefully continue to improve in this area!
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