I vacillate back and forth between feeling sorry for myself and slapping myself in the face for being an ingrate.
Lochlan yells at his sister, takes forever to obey and then persistently asks what we are going to do today, tomorrow, today, in a week, today, why, and how long it will take and why does it take so long? I get angry and ask why it takes him so long to learn and to please stop asking questions! I think of how long it takes me to learn. I thank God for the blessing of him and all the awesome and funny things he does all day long and the kids say, "Mom, I'm so thankful we adopted him!" I agree. It's one of the very best things we've ever done.
A kid spills his water all over the table and floor. I get frustrated that the kid was careless, wipe it up and breathe. It's just water. He's just a kid. Give a little grace. I've been given so much.
I spend several hours working on a pottery bowl that I wanted to give as a gift. I worked on it diligently and consistently to watch for cracks, only to discover the next morning that there are two huge ones. They won't survive the heat of the kiln. My work was in vain. Aaaah! I am thankful that I have more clay. I can try again. The recipient of this gift is not in desperate or immediate need of a bowl :) I have time. It's just a bowl and I learned something in the process.
I drop the matches in the skillet filled with water that is supposed to be non-stick and gets so caked with food that I have to boil water in it and scrape hard after every use. I got a great deal on these skillets. I need to be patient. The process takes a long time and If I can persevere, these are awesome dishes that many people would love to own and I have a lot of extra matches to spare. I thank God for the brand new stove that now has four working burners and for food to cook on them, get some new matches out and light some candles. We are blessed.
Kaiah's sugar is 400. She gets no dinner with the rest. All she gets is a bolus of insulin to bring it back down and some eggs which are free. I don't eat either so she's not alone. I'm hungry. She's hungry. She goes in the bedroom to play while the others eat. I go ask her how she's doing and she says she's fine, but her eyes are red. I wish she didn't hold things inside so much. I hate diabetes. I love Kaiah. I'm thankful she's so healthy. 100 years ago, she would have been dead by now. I praise God for insulin and discovery of how to use it for Type 1 kiddos and for letting Kaiah live.
I turn my attention to the dishes. They are never done. I just washed everything this morning and here is another load. And the laundry is overflowing too. Entropy is taking over. I am weary and want to just sit down and look the other way. But my dishwasher and washing machine work and my kids are laughing. My body (mostly) works great and my arms are strong for the task. I see that my situation is enviable to so many around the world. I remember to be thankful for the dishes and for the detergent and the laughter and my health.
Checking Kaiah again. She's almost 500. I drop everything I'm doing to focus on changing her pump site. It's gone bad. She will start suffering long-term tissue damage if we don't get it down fast. I draw up the insulin and she starts to prep the site. She sighs, I flick the needle. She wishes we didn't have to inject another needle before the old one ran out of insulin. I agree. This sucks. But it's so much better than when we used to have to use needles and the pump has given her so much more freedom, spontaneity and control. She's a strong girl, good at math (for counting all those carbs) and can check her bolus and insulin on board statuses faster than any of us. She's only 8 and we're all encouraged by her responsibility and capability in managing this disease.
This week has been emotionally hard for me. And for the most part I have been just looking from the outside in on some very sad and serious situations:
A friend who's husband cheated but can't afford to kick him out. Dealing with the agony of trying to make things "normal for the kids" and talking of how every part of her life has changed... most of it leading to lonliness and isolation.
A friend who finds herself discouraged every time the seasons change. No energy for kids or husband, wishing she could just make herself care more.
A sweet young mom of 5 lying in a hospital bed with brain tumors, so tired, she sleeps all day and night with her exhausted and brave husband at her side while their kids are hundred of miles away.
A friend who has offended and repented and asked forgiveness and been rejected time and time again. Not allowed to see his daughter unsupervised. not knowing when things will change. Giving every spare moment to improving his relationship with Christ and driving a beater car and sleeping at a friend's house so his wife and daughter can be taken care of.
A cousin my oldest son's age who is going in for brain surgery in a couple of days.
A young man my mom knows who was discovered dead behind his barn by his own triplets after he had gone on a run.
Such sadness.
I'm ashamed when I think back on the soggy matches, spilled water, cracked bowl, persistent questions, burnt and caked pans, piles of dishes, overflowing laundry, delayed meals and other diabetes interruptions that I let affect my attitude. I think of how these friends and family members would trade these "issues" for their own this week.
I need refining. I need to be a bowl that doesn't crack under pressure. To have the fruits of the Spirit during my everyday mess. I think the root cause has been a lack of consistent time in the Word. I need to be reminded of this passage daily. I think I'll put this up somewhere...
Ephesians 5:15-20 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
(I wrote this long before I posted it... meaning that I'm doing much better now. But I thought it would be good to include it in my list of posts to be transparent and realistic about how life goes sometimes...)
And an update to the situations of many of my friends and myself:
My friend has reconciled with her husband and is finding joy in her marriage again!
My friend is pregnant with another blessing and is super excited about it!
My cousin's surgery went well and is beginning to play sports again!
Life goes on after tragedy.
And I am learning to self-check more quickly... to be thankful in the trial and to more quickly look for the good in the bad.
The other day I was driving along and a wall of rain just hit all of the cars on the freeway. It had been sunny and gorgeous. And then we could hardly see the road. I looked ahead and noticed some tourists in a convertible with the top down getting absolutely drenched. I felt so sorry for them! I thought how miserable it must be to be trapped in this situation... cameras soaking wet, souvenirs from the North Shore (most likely) getting ruined... but when my car pulled up next to theirs on the freeway I literally felt the air suck out of my lungs and I began to cry when I saw their reactions.
They had joyous looks on their faces and were taking pictures of each other. If it had been me, I would have just sat still and waited for it to pass, most likely with a sullen look on my face. But they taught me it is so much better to rejoice in the rain. I want that to be my reaction in the unexpected "torrents" of life.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
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