I Might Have Been One of Them

Something keeps popping up in my life... it's doubt. I'm not doubting my faith... at least not all of it.

I have the benefit of reading the scriptures in its entirety and seeing all the trials and how they turned out. I can watch the Israelites frozen with terror and surprised by joy on the banks of the Red Sea as the waters parted. And I can read how they (almost instantly) forgot all that he had done for them...

I can see the beautiful story of Joseph and his patience and faithfulness amidst years of slavery. And I can see the forethought of the Lord with the famine and the rescue of the people with Joseph's planning and obedience to the Lord.

I can see how God provided and blessed them in times of obedience and how he punished when they disobeyed.

I can see (with the help, honestly, of the Children's Storybook Bible) that every story in the Old Testament calls out His name and points to the Rescuer.

Then, when he came, I can see how the people laughed at him. It says in Mark 3:21 that Jesus' own family thought he was out of his mind.  In Mark 5:40 that people laughed at him. In 6:5-6 it records that Jesus he couldn't do much healing there (in his hometown) because of the amazing lack of faith that the people had.

I shudder when I read that even the people who had been, just the week before, worshiping him in the street and waving palm fronds began to curse him and demand his tortuous death on the cross.

But even with all of that, it has taken me all these years to realize it.... I might probably would have been one of them. I think of all the times I have doubted, cursed, denied, and turned away... and I am ashamed. I have the Book! How could I do such things?

12 Steps For a Recovering Pharisee Like Me that I read last year really helped me to see that I was one of them: a lover of self, making rules only I could keep, judging others without mercy, and leaving no room for miracles.

As I've read the past few weeks I've had the sinking feeling I would have been the grumbling Israelite, the abusive and mocking brother, the disobedient one, the doubter, the laugher at Jesus, the one who cursed him in the streets... I shudder to think what would have happened.

Would I have seen the miracles, listened to his voice, seen the power of his speaking and believed? I'm not sure. All I know is that he put me here, at this point in history with all the benefits and perspective that this age brings, and I believe...

I've seen Him work in my life and in the lives of others and I know He's the only One I want to follow. He created the universe, He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and ever-present. He is strong enough to break the chains of death and yet he gently and patiently calls us to Him.

I want to be a believer like Moses, and Joshua believing all the blessings that God has promised us. 

I want to rest in the joy that God will make a way, in His own time, when I'm facing impossible circumstances.

I want to endure abuse and neglect knowing that God is always there and that he has a plan even when we can't see it.

I want to obey... consistently.

I want to believe... not laugh.

I want to accept... not deny.

I want to be like: Psalm 112:7-

He will have no fear of bad news; 

     his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. 

and 

Romans 4:20-

Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave gory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he promised.

Yesterday I was talking with a friend who has been going through some valleys (physically and spiritually) for several years. Yet she was telling me, with contagious excitement and tears in her eyes, of how God had been working in her life and how she had felt Him tell her that she was physically healed. 

I have to admit I started to go right back to the doubting spot that I tend to go to. But I listened. 

She had felt it so strongly that she endured the ridicule and told her doctor she wanted to be done with her medication. She was met with skepticism. She had to sign a waver. But she did it knowing that God had healed her. All had been well, until a few days ago when she began to have a lot of chest pain... similar to the start of her problems before. She began to doubt the Lord and wonder if she misunderstood his voice. So she went in and had multiple tests. All signs of anything she struggled with before were gone. There was nothing wrong with her. She even had a CT scan to make sure... and the doctor said it was completely clear. She thinks that the chest pain was a way of God showing her His love and that he had in fact, healed her.

Her story and my subsequent doubting made me wonder to myself what other miracles that he does today have I missed out on. Has he put me out of the room (Mark 5:40) because of my doubting and laughter, while the believing ones get to witness the little girl being brought back from the dead? Could my life and ministry have a whole new dimension of effectiveness and fruit as my faith increases? 

I'm not going to any faith healers, I won't be "barking in the aisles like seals" (quote from Cliff) and I don't think God's plan is always to heal or work in miraculous ways that we can instantly see, but I don't want to discount the possibility either. I want to increase in my faith and watch what my God can do. 

And today I will rejoice that I am saved and this can only be because He died on the cross in my place and didn't stay there...

He Rose!  

And He continues to work miracles today :)

Mark 9:24- "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"